So here’s a fun fact. When a nursing mother’s period resumes after birthing the baby, not only does she get the acne, cramps, and general fuckery of PMS back, but now she may just get an extra fussy baby as well. Whether due to the hormones passing between mother and child or due to breastmilk production diminishing slightly, the kid is a mess right exactly when you are. This seems like either a huge oversight or a big middle finger from Mother Nature; one of many, I might add. There are plenty.

If Mother Nature truly is a mother and not, as I’m beginning to expect, a mother-fucker, she should have made the opposite true. Mom gets period. Baby becomes incredibly self-sufficient and independent for 5-7 days. Instead of whimpering and clinging to your ankles while you fight back pain, weepiness, and a generalized-yet-intense annoyance with the world, your baby will entertain herself. “Go ahead mama, you lie in the fetal position on the couch. Imunna stack these blocks for myself to knock over.” Your baby will stop chewing the remote, put on Project Runway, and maybe use her tiny but strong hands (previously used exclusively for pulling your hair and pinching the cat) to rub your feet. Or maybe she’ll wake you up in the morning, not with cries at 6 am, but with breakfast in bed at 8; fried eggs, fried hash browns, short stack of pancakes… fried…

Ok, clearly I’m just joking about that last bit. Obviously it’s dangerous for a baby to be near a stove. But surely she could at least microwave a damn muffin and start the coffee maker couldn’t she!? Come on!

Sigh. You really blew it on this one Mother Nature.